7 Days of Glenorchy Christmas - Captains Log: Day Seven.

We are nearly at the end of our Glenorchy Christmas celebrations. The final stragglers have almost all been rounded up. Recycling bins are filled to the brim with cardboard boxes. One windy day between now and Sunday, and Glenorchy will look like a city made of paper mache. Could be an improvement. The Captain had to talk a few parents down off the Bowen Bridge. Pushed to the brink by those little twisted cable ties, and clear rubber bands, used to hold toys into their boxes. Northgate and Big W were almost bursting at the seams today. Filled to the brim with Boxing Day bargain hunters. Stocking up on cheap Blu-Rays and discounted UFC gear. That little dude who works at Big W looked flustered as parents took their over-hyped, ginger bread house-fueled kids through his checkout isle. Ripping cheap toys from their boxes before he had barely had a chance to ask if they wanted "a bag for that?". The automatic check-out went ballistic. Constantly repeating the phrase "item removed from the bagging area, please ask staff for assistance". Bogans stocked up on cheap TV's, even though they only just bought one with their baby bonus six months ago. The latest are 'Skype enabled' apparently. That way they can Skype with their mothers, who live next door, with out ever having to leave the couch. The Captain is off to do a few more drive arounds in the Cap-Mobile. No time now to relax. Tomorrow the Hobart to Glenorchy aluminum dinghy race kicks off. The Captain will be firing up the outboards in the Cap-tamaran in no time. Stay safe Glenorchy. The Captain trusts that you had a Merry Christmas?
Captain Glenorchy - Over and Out.

7 Days of Glenorchy Christmas - Captains Log: Day Six.

The Captain has been defeated....



Defeated by a size 25 roast turkey. This was way to much for one man to handle. Combined with the might of the Pickled Pork and Pavlova. The Captain was outnumbered from the beginning. Alas, The Captain has retreated to the Cap-Cave for some much needed R & R, in preparation for the day where Northgate may face its reckoning.... Boxing Day.
Captain Glenorchy - Over and Out.







PS. Thank you Santa for the new Beanie Bear.

7 Days of Glenorchy Christmas - Captains Log: Day Five.

One more sleep. All the kiddies should be tucked up asleep in their poorly constructed beds from Fantastic Furniture by now. Ready to wake in four or so hours, and launch into the destruction of endless amounts of trees used to create wrapping paper. Traffic chaos all through the Municipality of Glenorchy today. Claremont Plaza may have had a face lift, but no one there knows how to follow a directional arrow in their car. And pedestrians cross everywhere... except at pedestrian crossings. A logjam of cars at Northgate as parents race into Target to collect the last of their black plastic wrapped lay-buys. Hopefully KFC has stockpiled chicken for tomorrows deluge of drive-through orders for Christmas lunch. AKA the bogan roast dinner. The Club Hotel bottleshop sold out of Johnnie Walker Red Label & Cola 10-packs as people stocked up for the traditional all day Christmas piss-up. Followed by the family punch up on the front lawns, for all the neighbourhood to see. Anyway, time for The Captain to go help the Big Guy get through his night in the Greater Glenorchy area. Not even Rudolph could guide his way through this cesspit. Elwick Road.... You're on The Captain's Naughty List. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night (with no burn-outs).
Captain Glenorchy - Ho-Ho-Ho-ver and Out.

7 Days of Glenorchy Christmas - Captains Log: Day Four.

Two more sleeps. If your online order from Target doesn't arrive tomorrow you're stuffed. So far today was the quietest day on the Glenorchy Christmas calendar. Speaking of calendars, The Captain is finally down to the last square on his Advent one. The Captain is never sure.... do you start at 1 and count up to 24, or is it a count down from 24 to 1? The final frantic screams from parents can be heard "Santa won't bring any f**king presents ya little s**ts if ya keep rockin' next doors roof!". Of course we all know that Santa will still bring them their 6v battery operated mini quad-bikes, Razor scooters, Sesame Street LOL Elmos, and various Angry Bird themed plush toys. Most of which will be played with for 3 days before being left in the front yard forever more to suffer weather damage. Dad might get a Blu-ray, some cheap boxers from Best & Less, and some new Playstation games from Cashies. Mum gets playboy bunny themed car seats and stickers for the car, The 50 Shades trilogy, and a coffee mug from What's New. So sleep tight tonight children of Glenorchy, and be on your best behavior tomorrow. Santa... and The Captain.... are watching.*
Captain Glenorchy - Over and Out.

*watching only for the purpose of who has been naughty and who has been nice.

7 Days of Glenorchy Christmas - Captains Log: Day Three.

Quiet morning this morning. And by morning The Captain means 1pm. The normal waking time of the bogans sleep cycle. Maybe a large night on the terps was had by all and sundry last night? Maybe they spent the night trying to escape from Jackson Street, and the glaringly bright Christmas lights they have up? Traffic chaos in Elwick Road today as many citizens tried to flee for the day - avoiding the hung over that were doing their last minute Christmas shopping at Big W. Maxing out their Credit Cards with a 24% interest rate and $190 annual fee. A hot day is due in Glenorchy tomorrow. Hopefully some of those inflatable pools that were purchased last Christmas will be used again - if they can remove the algae that has grown over the water, that has also been in the pools since last Christmas. Three more sleeps. The Captain can see the anticipation in little Jaiyden's eyes now, as he imagines burning down Grove Road on his new Razor Powerwing scooter, giving the finger to lost tourists looking for MONA.
Captain Glenorchy - Over and Out.

7 Days of Glenorchy Christmas - Captains Log: Day Two.

Well, so far it looks as if The Mayans were wrong. Some cult held a concert in the Glenorchy Bus Mall to ring in the end of the world. The music made The Captain wish the world was really ending. Then The Captain thought people were rioting over supplies for their underground bunkers. Turns out there was only three Cadbury Chocolate Christmas Tubes left for sale at Shiploads. The battle was on. Even though the summer solstice had blessed Glenorchy with the longest day of sunlight on Earth, it is eerily quiet on the streets tonight. The Captain fears many Glenorchians may be partying like it is 1999 on the lawns of Salamanca. Godspeed to all taxi drivers who have to travel up the Brooker tonight. Time for The Captain to dine on Legs and Breasts. A Legs 'N' Breasts Large Chips that is - extra gravy.
Captain Glenorchy - Over and Out.

7 Days of Glenorchy Christmas - Captains Log: Day One.

Tried to fight my way through the masses of bogan shoppers at Northgate. Seems they can't get enough of the stalls selling cheap Chinese made jewellery or remote control helicopters. Went to visit Santa Clause. The bastard was away, busy making toys apparently. Won't be back until 10am tomorrow. Tried to look in What's New. The Captain wants a new Beanie Bear. Couldn't even get through the front entrance. They didn't even have a plastic mug with The Captain's name on it. Plenty of Brayden's, Taneesha's, Jaxon's and Mikkaylaah's though. How the hell does that work? Must be one of the most popular shops in Glenorchy during Christmas. Two bogans were trying to look civilised... sipping on their 'tall flat whites with three sugars' from The Coffee Club. They showed their true colours when they let out a "What the f**k you f**kin' lookin' at c**t?!" in The Captain's general direction. Lucky for them The Captain was getting into the Christmas spirit. The Captain has taken note and forwarded on a recommendation to Mr Kringle that they be removed from the 'Nice List'.
Captain Glenorchy - Over and Out.

Show Day Four: Captains Log.

Finally. The end is nigh. The clean up from last nights fireworks display is done. The Captain could have done a better job with a packet of Mentos and a 2.25 litre bottle of Diet Coke. The last of the carnies have been rounded up and shipped further south. The bogan flocks have been sent scampering back along the bike track, pushing their prams full of giant stuffed toys, carrying their $25.00 dollar Abbey Cadabby showbags, as their obese children wander aimlessly on the train tracks. The unused Dagwood Dog batter has been stored away for next year. Too many children at the 'circle work' event today. Looks like The Captain will have his hands full on the roads of Glenorchy for years to come. Found a boy left in an inflatable giant ball, he was rolling down the Brooker Highway, towards that rainbow bridge near the DEC. Busiest day yet. Mother Nature was not kind to The Captain today. Where was all that rain damn you. Still can't knock all the bottles over in that stupid carnie game. And The Captain swears the basketball rings are undersized. Went 0 for 3. Luckily for The Captain i did catch a plastic fish with the number '6' underneath. Scored a cute purple puppy toy. Winning. Stepped on giant cowpat. Losing. Some of those bulls have giant testicles. And how can those farmers scoff down their lunch with the stench of cow and sheep manure in the air? It's like eating at Northgate food court. The Captain was impressed with the dog agility trials today. Maybe, finally, after all these years, The Captain has found a new Capto The Wonder Dog. Showtime FMX?? The Captain see's this daily on the streets of Chigwell. Only with no helmets, on those miniature Braaap bikes. Not impressed. Finally, The Captain wonders why it is called the Royal 'HOBART' Show? Failed to see a single Hobartian there. Does the Hobart City Council put in the funds to keep this once proud Colosseum called the Elwick Showgrounds respectable? The Captain thinks not. Next year, people of Glenorchy, we shall take back what is rightfully ours. Next year... The Royal GLENORCHY show. Or we could just all go to MONA. Captain Glenorchy. Over and Out.

Show Day Three: Captains Log.

The rain still failed to put a dampener on things. The carnies are getting more adventurous. Wrangled some walking through the drive-thru at McDonald's Moonah. The Captain suggested they try a Praties. Went for a ride on The Power Surge. They said prepare to be electrified. They failed to electrify The Captain. After investigating the Ferris wheel, The Captain had to use several cans of WD40 from the utility belt. That Ferris wheel is older than The Captain's great-grandfather. Ordered several scantily clad teenagers to cover up in this unseasonally cool weather. Failed to determine if teenagers were male or female. Too hard for The Captain to tell these days. Went for a ride on that shark-themed inflatable slide. Fun. Go-Diego-Go inflatable slide? Not fun. Dominoes Pizza by the slice? Think some of those slices had been there since Wednesday. Yum. Bought three lucky prize tickets for $5.00. The Captain did not win a thing. Saw a clown who claimed to be an animal wrangler riding a horse while holding a steering wheel. The Captain will stick to the Cap-Mobile. Still no leads on Bertie Beetle. What has Spider-Man done to deserve a showbag? And since when did he play basketball? Nearly there. Glenorchy almost out of trouble for another year. Tonight could be the toughest night on The Captains calender. Tonight... fireworks will rise. Over and out.

Show Day Two: Captains Log

The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plains. In Glenorchy it falls mainly on the Showgrounds. A few carnies escaped. Found them wandering around Glenorchy Central trying to get the last of the bargains at Chickenfeed. Luckily the rain has helped today. First real shower most of these show-folk have had in weeks. Saw a few heifers about today. Wish they would dress appropriately. Also saw cows, sheep and little baby ducks. Saved a little girl from getting her churros eaten by that evil ostrich. The Captain is keeping an eye on you ostrich. Searched the showbag pavilion thoroughly. Could not find Bertie Beetle anywhere. Spoke to Freddo and Caramello. They're not talking, but The Captain knows they know something. Next up Blinky Bill. $3.00 to get The Captains mugshot on the front page of The Mercury? The Captain doesn't think so. Got through the worst day today. Only two days left. The Captain is feeling confident. But i know people have been saving their discount coupons for Saturday. Over and out.

Show Day One: Captains Log.

Managed to keep the carnies within the boundary fence today. Thought The Captain had taken a hit, but it was just the sauce from a stray Dagwood Dog. Saved a child from boredom on that little boat ride. $10 to go on the Alpine Express. The Captain was not happy. Luckily the rain and small crowd made today's job easier. The Captain lives to fight another show day. Tomorrow is another story. Thursday. Public Holiday. The Peoples Day. Wish The Captain luck. Over and out.

Captains Log: I am The Captain.

Glenorchy. The Captain's city. For too long now this city has fallen deeper and deeper into despair. Gun violence is on the rise. Drive by shootings, break and enters, stabbings, bashings, vandalism, shopping trolleys left laying around the streets. You can't even enter McDonald's Northgate from outside with having to fight through a wave of delinquent thugs, bumming smokes and change for the bus. The bus mall is not safe after 13:00 hours. The natural waking time of the resident Glenorchy scumbag. The Centrelink queue grows longer by the day. Single mothers have more and more babies, to more and more different baby daddies. Weeds and grasses grow longer, surging through the cracks in the footpaths, left to decay by a council too busy building rainbow bridges. The elderly are afraid to catch a bus, for fear they may arrive in the bus mall at the same time as the X1 Metro, and cop a barrage of verbal, threatening abuse. Well, The Captain can no longer sit back and watch his city crumble beneath him. The time for action is now. Prepare yourselves good people of Glenorchy (and surrounding suburbs). The Captain is here. The Captain is ready. The Captain is getting RSI from typing. The Captain is here to claim back this once proud metropolis.

Captain, AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!